i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
