I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
