new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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