guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
