I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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