Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
that's an acceptable place to lick
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
