I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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