I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
thus making me awesome and them whores
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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