I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
