Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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