Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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