every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
