i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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