everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
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I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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