...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
