no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
