he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
