I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
