The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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