Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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