I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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