she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
