I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
