I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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