this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
