Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
