Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
