I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
