genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
