I got chris browned last night
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
