So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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