i don't like sucking hair
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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