I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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