walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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