I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
