There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
