my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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