I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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