she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
