The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
