Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
