how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
