I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
