i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
