I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
