i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
