Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
