ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
