My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
