I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think I died a long time ago.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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