The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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