i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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