I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
