Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
