his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
