News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
