yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
