Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
