There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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