yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
